I'm Not Waiting for Joy!

I'd like to talk/type about relationships - or, more importantly, about being single. Perhaps this is forefront in my mind because today is Valentine's Day. Honestly, it looks like Valentine's Day vomited inside virtually every department store. It's also on my mind because John Mangrum preached at Connexion last Sunday night (if you didn't hear it, click here) about strength and beauty, and how they relate to the modern world of dating.

To quote my very first post, "One year ago I needed a man to make me feel worthy. Now I'm waiting for a man who knows what I'm worth." While that is very true (praise the Lord!), it is much easier to say than it is to live. I mean, really live. Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. Now that's hard. I mean, a few Sundays ago I saw a couple sitting in front of me in church and after the congregational prayer the guy put his arm around the girl and then kissed her on the forehead - and I broke in tears. Seriously, thank the Lord that they had started playing a song or I could have been really humiliated. I am SO working through all of this right now.

I lived in sin for many years and I got used to, even addicted to companionship. Feeling safe because I was in someone's arms. Feeling accepted. Now I have to face the possibility that God wants me to be married someday, along with the possibility that God may have a single life planned for me. I feel that someday I'll be married - I certainly would like to be married one day, and in which case I hope I'm blessed with children...

(***here I reference a friend, and my previously quoted comments about their post - which possibly made it seem that I don't value marriage or children, and think that they are easy to come by... certainly, marriage without relationship and children without responsibility are easy to come by, and that was the point I was trying to make -- however, God's chosen future is worth everything I/one could pay or do. I definitely want to be married someday to a man that is my best friend - I want a house with a fenced in yard, happy pudgy babies, happy pudgy pets... Just to clarify...)

--anyway, I know how I feel and what I think I want, but how much better to say to God, 'Your Will be done!' Sweet Jesus said before his earthly death,"Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but [ always] Yours be done" (Luke 22:42). How much better is it to ask God for what you want, but then ulitmately to offer your heart and your future to Him - there is no better Guardian. Perfect love casts out fear, according to I John 4:15-18, "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." For me to have fear about my future is to not trust God.

Now I know that every day I wake up and every night that I go to bed - I KNOW that I love my Lord, and that I am doing the best I can to live the best life for Him that I can. (Side note... it's a genuine miracle that I'm able to say that. Praise God!!!) It doesn't mean that I don't miss having a person, a man, a companion. This, however, draws me in to a very important point = I'm not looking for a man, I'm waiting for my husband. If God wants me to be married, then that means that my husband is out there - and that's a comforting thought. What's even more comforting is that God has chosen him, selected him, created him for me, and likewise He has chosen me, selected me, created me for him. You know what? That's worth waiting for.

The kicker is this, though - if I'm not supposed to be married, if that's not God's will for my life - then that means that God has chosen me, selected me, created me for a different purpose. It's a scary thought, honestly, but this is where I have to trust God - I have to trust that He always has my best interests in His heart, and that He will perfect that which concerns me. I have a tendency to try to figure everything out - I mean, I RECREATIONALLY play with my budget in excel. Seriously. Yet, God's not going to let me read the last chapter of the book just to find out what happens. My goal is this - I'm going to start "enjoying where I am on the way to where I am going" (thank you Joyce Meyer for that one). I mean, I'm not going to wait to be happy until I'm married. I'm not going to wait to be happy until I have all the money I need to live exactly the way I want to. I'm not going to wait to be happy until I know exactly what I'm supposed to do for a career (or if I'm even going to have an official "career"). I'm not going to wait for joy.

I'll leave this post today with a quote from Joyce Meyer, taken (verbatim) from a series I've been listening to, called "How to Handle & Deal With Anger..." (Many of you know why such a teaching series has been so important to me lately - but I'll save the anger and frustration post for another day) :)

"... Most of us don't really know who we are in Christ. The more I have gotten free from the need to be promoted in order to feel good about myself, the more God has promoted me. ...I was jealous of other people, I was jealous of people who had a bigger ministry than mine... now I never wanted to admit it was jealousy... it's a hard thing to endure sometimes - is to watch other people in the natural seem to get ahead of you, and just have to stand by and watch it happen and not be able to do anything about it. But boy, if you'll just keep your eyes on God and say 'God I don't know what you're doing but I know you've got a plan for me...' ...like yourself, accept yourself. Acceptance brings joy. So many people are angry because they won't accept their life the way they have it right now. And I'm not saying accept it to the point where you don't ever want any change, but you know if this is the way it is, this is the way it is.

...What good does it really do... I mean let's just say maybe ...you haven't been able to have any children, and the doctors told you you're not going to have any children, well you don't want to accept that - well I'm not saying don't believe God because we know people who have had miracles, but I am saying, believe God but just accept where you're at for right now and don't be frustrated about it all the time. If you're not going to have any children, maybe there's a reason. Maybe God's got something for you to do that if you had a bunch of little kids it wouldn't work out for you to do it. We don't trust God enough. We don't realize that God has an individual plan for our lives. You want to be married and maybe you're not married, and so now you're just, you know, mad about life all the time and upset because you're not married. Well, if you're not married accept the fact that you're not married. Go look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I'm not married, and I'm going to be happy anyway. And I hope to get married someday, but if I never get married, I'm going to survive and I'm going to be happy, and I'm going to love God and I'm going to serve God...'

...Some people wonder why God never promotes them but it's because they never get finished trying to promote themselves. True promotion comes from God. ...If you 'put' yourself, then you gotta try to keep yourself in that position. But if God 'puts' you, honey, you're 'put.' You better believe, when God gets ready to promote you, no devil in hell and no man on earth can hold Him back."