Conviction vs. Condemnation...

Guilt has always played a huge part in my life. I have a tender conscience, which in many respects is a blessing - but it has provided an easy stumbling block for guilt and self-loathing. I've spent many hours in prayer repeating pleas for forgiveness and being disgusted with myself for my shortcomings and sins. Ultimately my "dark years" (about 4 years of late teens/early 20's misery) were the result of a misdirected embrace of my imperfections. Rather than embracing my failures and running to God, I embraced them and rejected God. At the time, however, I didn't really understand that I was truly rejecting God - I always loved Him. In my heart I was rejecting myself and the "holy" self-image that I created - a self-image that I could not measure up to. Praise God that my heart was turned, and when spring of 2006 rolled around, I found myself back in His arms - and still surrounded by family that loved me (and never gave up on me). Praying and studying now, I realize that God already knew (duh) that I was flawed and that it was and is impossible for me to live up to a perfect standard. However, rather than to run away from that standard, God wants us to run to Him and let Him be strong in our weaknesses. My failures are a visible stage for God's Glory - and my life is a broadcast of God's Grace. Guilt is a wasted emotion, and as Joyce Meyer puts it, similiar to sitting in a rocking chair - an action which requires a lot of effort, but takes you no place. So how is this broken? Sin without recognition and remorse is never remedied, but self-hatred and self-punishment break the spirit. The key for me is the difference between conviction and condemnation - the difference between humility and self-depreciation.

Laying in bed last night, I opened my devotional, and I believe it ties into this perfectly:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as my chosen instrument]."
Jeremiah 1:5, Amplified
"Nobody knows you as well as God does. Yet even though He knows everything about you, including all of your faults, He still approves of you and accepts you. God sees your heart, not just the exterior shell (the flesh) that seems to get you into so much trouble. He does not approve of your wrong behavior, but He is committed to you as an individual. God can hate what you do and yet love you. He has no trouble keeping the two separated.
God never intended for you to feel bad about yourself. He wants you to know yourself well and yet accept yourself. You must be able to say, 'I can love what God can love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself because God loves me.' God is changing you daily. Ask Him to help you accept and love yourself in spite of your imperfections."
[Joyce Meyer, from "Ending Your Day Right"]

This really strikes me as true - especially when I consider my relationships with others. There are many people I love, yet whose actions I wholeheartedly disagree with. I have many homosexual friends whom I love dearly, but I cannot support their lifestyle. In the opposite direction, my parents have always loved me, but they have certainly not always agreed with my decisions. God loves me as a Father loving His child, which means that He will always defend and protect me - and at the same time always correct and direct me. It's been difficult for me to differentiate between correction and criticism. I always hated my mistakes, but I equated my actions with my identity. Again, as Joyce says, "your WHO is different from your DO... sitting in the garage all day will not make you a car." It took me years to understand that a mistake made is not salvation lost. My parents didn't stop loving me when I disobeyed them, but they could not condone my behavior. Unfortunately, I stopped loving me when I couldn't measure up to impossible standards. Thankfully, God never stopped loving me.

I'd like to look for a mintue at the actual definitions of CONVICTION and of CONDEMNATION

Main Entry: con·vic·tion
Pronunciation: k&n-'vik-sh&n
Function: noun
1 : the act or process of convicting of a crime especially in a court of law
2 a : the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth b : the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth
3 a : a strong persuasion or belief b : the state of being convinced

Main Entry: ²con·vict
Pronunciation: k&n-'vikt
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French convicter, from Latin convictus, past participle of convincere to refute, convict
transitive verb
1 : to find or prove to be guilty
2 : to convince of error or sinfulness
intransitive verb : to find a defendant guilty

Conviction is instruction, direction from God. It's God compelling you to tell the truth. Conviction should inspire thanks to God - a gratitude that He has shown an area in which to improve. Conviction settles in the heart. Conviction and peace should act together as a compass - a way to stay on God's path. It is offered because God loves us - it is a blessing. It is God dealing with our DO - because He loves our WHO.

Proverbs 12:1
Whoever loves instruction and correction loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is like a brute beast, stupid and indiscriminating.

Proverbs 3:11-13
My son, do not despise or shrink from the chastening of the Lord [His correction by punishment or by subjection to suffering or trial]; neither be weary of or impatient about or loathe or abhor His reproof, for whom the Lord loves He corrects, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding [drawing it forth from God's Word and life's experiences]...

Hebrews 12:5-10
And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him; for the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes. You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline? Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all]. Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live? For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

Main Entry: con·dem·na·tion
Pronunciation: "kän-"dem-'nA-sh&n, -d&m-
Function: noun
1 : CENSURE, BLAME
2 : the act of judicially condemning
3 : the state of being condemned
4 : a reason for condemning

Main Entry: con·demn
Pronunciation: k&n-'dem
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French condempner, from Latin condemnare, from com- + damnare to condemn -- more at DAMN
1 : to declare to be reprehensible, wrong, or evil usually after weighing evidence and without reservation condemned as racist>
2 a : to pronounce guilty : CONVICT b : SENTENCE, DOOM <condemn a prisoner to die>
3 : to adjudge unfit for use or consumption <condemn an old apartment building>
4 : to declare convertible to public use under the right of eminent domain
synonym see CRITICIZE

Condemnation attacks the WHO - it is not productive, nor is it God's will. It says that your WHO is at fault, not your DO. It inspires self-loathing, dejectedness, self-pity, and hopelessness. Fundamentally, it is belief in the evil of sin without trust in God's Grace. Condemnation says, "I sinned, so I am bad." As Joyce once said, a crumpled and dirty $20 bill is worth the same as a new and crisp $20 bill. Each of us are worth the same, and each of us commit sin. I condemned myself for years because I could not live up to a perfect standard. In retrospect, I feel like a great deceit of condemnation is not only that it appears to be holy (it is easily confused with humility), but that it leaves the sin untouched. It says, you are bad because you did "x." So, rather than going to God with "x" to fix it, it convinces you to beat yourself up and accept "x" because you are bad, like "x" is an inevitability of being you. It makes you accept "x" as you accept your limbs or your fingers and toes. It is part of you, because condemnation equates sin with self. It tells you that you cannot fix "x" because "x" is you. However, God says that you are not your sins. According to II Corinthians 5:21, "For our sake He made Christ [virtually] to be sin Who knew no sin, so that in and through Him we might become [endued with, viewed as being in, and examples of] the righteousness of God [what we ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness]."

John 3:18
He who believes in Him [who clings to, trusts in, relies on Him] is not judged [he who trusts in Him never comes up for judgment; for him there is no rejection, no condemnation--he incurs no damnation]; but he who does not believe (cleave to, rely on, trust in Him) is judged already [he has already been convicted and has already received his sentence] because he has not believed in and trusted in the name of the only begotten Son of God. [He is condemned for refusing to let his trust rest in Christ's name.]

Romans 8:1
Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.

I John 3:18-22
Little children, let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth (in practice and in sincerity). By this we shall come to know (perceive, recognize, and understand) that we are of the Truth, and can reassure (quiet, conciliate, and pacify) our hearts in His presence, whenever our hearts in [tormenting] self-accusation make us feel guilty and condemn us. [For we are in God's hands.] For He is above and greater than our consciences (our hearts), and He knows (perceives and understands) everything [nothing is hidden from Him]. And, beloved, if our consciences (our hearts) do not accuse us [if they do not make us feel guilty and condemn us], we have confidence (complete assurance and boldness) before God, and we receive from Him whatever we ask, because we [watchfully] obey His orders [observe His suggestions and injunctions, follow His plan for us] and [habitually] practice what is pleasing to Him.

Praise God that we can be convicted without being condemned - that He cares enough about us to show us where we are straying from His path, so that we do not become lost. Conviction, God's direction, should lead us to say "thank you." After all, we "shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God" (Isaiah 62:3).